... Job Application to McDonald's ...

... Recommend this job to a friend.

NAME ... (insert your name and you can use an "X" if necessary)

SEX ... Not yet but I'm always looking; do you know anyone?

DESIRED POSITION ... Company's president or vice president ... But let's speak seriously, whatever is available. If I were in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place, would I?

DESIRED SALARY ... $185,000 a year plus stock options. If not possible, make an offer (any offer) and we can haggle. Do we include a golden parachute?

LAST POSITION HELD ... A target for middle management hostility. I did my best but was told my best was not enough.

EDUCATION ... I finished Public School 93 but it doesn't seem to be paying off the way I thought it would.

LAST SALARY ... Way less than I'm worth so I'm applying here at McDonald's where I can create original recipes.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT ... My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING LAST POSITION ... It required some reading which is not my particular strength.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK ... I'll work all hours but I am most productive between 1:30 and 3:30 p.m.

PREFERRED HOURS ... 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday, with a half-hour break around 2:00 p.m.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? ... Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment and I don't like to get caught doing them at work.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? ... I'd say "yes" if I had one but I don't; that's why I'm here.

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 POUNDS? ... Lifting 50 pounds of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? ... I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? ... I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE? ... On the job, no, I would never. But on my breaks, yes. The substance? - I rather not say, but when I get back to work, it's uh oh.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? ... Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy, dumb, sexy blonde super model who thinks that I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Who am I kidding? Why wait five years; I'd like to be doing that right now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? ... What knowledge are we talking about?

SIGN HERE ... Here you can insert your name or the "X" referred to on line 1. You can print because today nobody learns cursive.

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