New York City

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How do you KNOW you're living in New York City?
Gathered from the strange comments of my neighbors.

  1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

  2. You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.

  3. You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.

  4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, & is named Breeze.

  5. You can't remember ... is pot illegal?

  6. You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

  7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.

  8. You also know which Manhattan restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

  9. A really great parking space can move you to tears.

  10. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

  11. Gas cost 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

  12. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.

  13. A woman gets on the bus with live poultry. You don't even notice.

  14. The guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like Mayor Koch IS Mayor Koch.

  15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house.

  16. The gym is packed at 3 pm ... on a work day.

  17. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into BDSM, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.

  18. It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 99".

  19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.

  20. Your paperboy is a Columbia University graduate.

  21. The three hour traffic jam you just sat through wasn't caused by a horrific nine-car Belt Parkway pileup, but by everyone slowing to rubberneck at a lost shoe laying on the shoulder.

  22. The weatherman talks about the weather in other parts of the country, as if we really care.

  23. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.

  24. It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour or two early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

  25. You AND your dog have therapists.

  26. And most important ... we are very patriotic, when we get parking tickets we rejoice that the system works.

AND THESE ARE OUR FAVORITE QUIPS

  • Clones are people two.

  • Entropy isn't what it used to be.

  • Microbiology Lab: Staph Only.

  • Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

  • Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs.

  • A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.

  • A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

  • Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.

  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  • Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way.

  • Cole's law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

  • Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

  • Editing is a rewording activity.

  • Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

  • Gene Police: YOU ... Out of the pool.

  • Help stamp out, delete, and eradicate superfluous redundancy.

  • I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.

  • My reality check just bounced.

  • Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.

  • What if there were no hypothetical questions?

  • Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.

  • No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

  • Boycott shampoo ... demand REAL poo.

  • My other wife is beautiful.


Here you see Mayor Bloomberg's two daughters watching dad at his third inauguration.
Do you know that this mayor is one of the top ten waalthiest people in the country?
Sure is comforting to know that our mayor has no need to dip into the cookie jar.

AND NEW YORKERS COME UP WITH MANY CRAZY IDEAS
TAKE THESE FOR EXAMPLE ... LIKE THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR:

  1. Bring a camera, and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

  2. Move your desk into the elevator, and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

  3. Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

  4. Leave a box in a corner, and when someone gets on, ask if they hear something ticking.

  5. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

  6. All of a sudden, while the elevator is moving, ask, "did you feel that?"

  7. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

  8. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic. They'll open up again."

  9. Swat at flies that don't exist.

  10. Tell people that you can see their aura.

  11. Call out, "GROUP HUG!" and enforce it.

  12. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up ... all of you ... just shut up."

  13. Crack open your briefcase or purse and while peering inside, as "Got enough air in there?"

  14. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

  15. Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM," and back away slowly.

  16. Wear a puppet on your hand, and use it to talk to the other passengers.

  17. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

  18. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

  19. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

  20. Stare grinning at another passenger for awhile, then announce "I have new socks on."

  21. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk, and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!!"

  22. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.

  23. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.

  24. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone, and ask if they know what floor you're on.

  25. Hold the doors open, and say that you're waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg, how's your day been?"

  26. Drop a pen, and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, and then scream "That's mine."

    All right, back to my ... Navigator ... just kidding around.
    Here's early Brooklyn ... Old Brooklyn ... lot's of history there.
    If seriously interested in ... New York City ... be my guest right here.
    It's all about the people ... NYC Demographics ... now you're interested.