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... Go Figure Rednecks ... | Last name: ________________ (Check appropriate box) First name: [_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo [_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee [_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress [_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician Spouse's Name: __________________________ 2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________ 3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________ Lover's Name: __________________________ 2nd Lover's Name: __________________________ Relationship with spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son [_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin [_] Pet Number of children living in household: ___ Number of children living in shed: ___ Number of children that are yours: ___ Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank) Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box) Vehicles you own and where you keep them: ___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ kitchen ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ shed Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_ Number of road kills presently in your freezer? [ ] 3 [ ] 5 [ ] 10 or more Do you have a gun rack? [_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain: Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: [_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe [_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest [_] Rifle and Shotgun ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO How often do you bathe: [_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not Applicable How many teeth? ___ Color of teeth: [_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow [_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/A Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man How far is your home from a paved road? [_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles [_] don't know |
BUDDY'S TEST FOR REDNECK STATUS ... YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...
- Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this.
- Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
- Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
- One of your kids was born on a pool table.
- The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
- The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
- You can't get married to your sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
- You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
- You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
- You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
- You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
- You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
- You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
- You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
- You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
- You take a six-pack cooler to church.
- You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
- You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
- You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
- You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
- You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, Gentlemen, start your engines."
- You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
- Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
- Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
- Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
- Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
- Your wife can't divorce you 'cause you've never been married.
- Your wife divorces you and she's still your sister.
- Your wife's (mother, daughter, sister, girlfriend) hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
- Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
- You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
- You've got more than one brother named Darryl.
REDNECK COMPUTER TERMS
| BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer FAX - What you lie about to the IRS HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair | KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test ROM - Where the pope lives SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear |
AND WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT?
FINALLY A WARNING...
It seems that the Arkansas Quarter that the US Mint put out in the program featuring quarters from each state might not be worth any more than the stated 25 cents. They are being recalled after the numerous reports saying they will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or any other coin operated devices.The problem lies in the unique design of their quarter, which was designed by a team of Ozark specialists. Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming up the machines.
Please don't open until ... Redneck Valentine's Day ... for Redneck lovers.
If you want to read my ... Redneck Letter ... stay with it; here it is.
And we'll return to ... Our Navigator ... you Redneck, you.