... PARENT'S PAGE 5 ...

... Recommend this parents section to a friend.

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First a word of advice ... There are lots of jobs to be found online, but what are the best ways to search for them? I suggest you use as many avenues as you can, and before working with a recruitment firm (on-line or off-line) ... check out its track record in placing and retaining people (something I never did when looking for those pre-career jobs) ... And speak to some references, if possible.

Regarding any resum�s, make sure that it works with e-mail systems, faxes, scanners, and the company's applicant databases. That mean eliminating special fonts, bolding, underlining, and tabbed margins. And whether you use a Mac or PC, plain old ASCII text is the very best format for e-mail.

Remember that when resum�s are scanned into databases, what counts are the number of keyword hits. Also note that the top one-third of your resum� is the most important because you only have about seven seconds to get the readers attention ... I guess yours is not the only one, but pursue it you must - whatever,

Buddy certainly wishes you the best of luck.

Due to the current financial situation, Management has decide to implement a scheme to put all workers over 40 years of age on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE ... Retire Aged Personnel Early.

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme ... Special Help AFTer retirement.

Persons who have been RAPED or SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme ... SCheme for Retired Early Workers ... A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the management feels appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS ... Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse ... or HERPES ... Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance ... Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Management.

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LETTERS OF RECOMMENDATIONS FOR EMPLOYEES

I remember many times having to write a letter of recommendation for a teacher. It's a ticklish job: on one hand you want to be a regular guy to an employee (sometimes you're actually happy to see this person go), and on the other hand, you want to be honest to the next employer. So what do you do? Here are a few suggestions:

FOR THE CHRONICALLY ABSENT:

"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed his career was just taking off."

FOR THE OFFICE DRUNK:

"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."

FOR AN EMPLOYEE WITH NO AMBITION:

"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."
"He consistently achieves the low standards he sets for himself."

FOR AN EMPLOYEE WHO IS SO UNPRODUCTIVE THAT THE JOB IS BETTER LEFT UNFILLED:

"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

FOR AN EMPLOYEE WHO IS NOT WORTH FURTHER CONSIDERATION AS A JOB CANDIDATE:

"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."

"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."

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AND SPEAKING OF WORK ... I'M FED UP

I'm sorry. I know that I've been slacking-off lately. It's because I'm tired. For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked ... and I'm fed up.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work.

Four million are in the armed forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 11,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me ... And you're sitting there surfing my website!!!

No wonder I'm tired; I'm the doing ALL of the work myself.

How about this one: "Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, sir." the new recruit replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."